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Nothing is not Something

You know how all of the really good television shows like “Three’s Company” and probably “Alf” had those “best-of, compilation” episodes where the characters dream back to past episodes and show the viewers all of the best moments that the show has to offer? They usually have them right before a series is ready to go off the air. I always like those episodes.

I not only like them because you get to see the best stuff without having to put up with all the other junk, but I like them because it seems like a good way for the show’s writers to get a week off without having to come up with anything new. I love it when the workers find a way to stick it to “The Man.”

Well I’ve been doing this silly column for over a year now, and I just felt like reminiscing about some of the brain-stimulating issues and topics that I’ve presented to you, the fine readers of the Bureau County Republican. Here is a partial sampling:

I’ve written about how the Smurfs are pure evil, and how I’ve developed an affinity to country music. I’ve talked about buying a 55-gallon drum of corn flakes, Mike The Cat, the Chicago Cubs, and that scary Taco Bell chihuahua. I’ve mentioned about not going bowling in Escanaba, Mich., having fun with electricity, Underdog, Miss Peggy, and how my butt cheeks are poking out of the back of my pants. I’ve scribbled about yellow cotton work gloves, elbow coughers, bendy-handled shovels, an ornery bell-ringer named Shirley, Burt Bacharach, shopping for Valentine’s Day gifts, Marlin Perkins, mancaves, Oreo Truffle Balls, Goldenrod Eggs, maroon sweatshirts, the legend of Mr. Fishy, American Girl dolls, seat-saving etiquette, Brutus the Unbreakable Water Balloon, remote-controlled sheep with lawn mower blades strapped to their bellies, bone-chilling raccoon standoffs, the Bard of Greenville Township, Japanese Beetles, my aromatic armpits, prejudice toward the near-sighted, Vertibirds, waffles, the lottery, brake pads, pickles, junk drawers, the Green Bay Packers, presidential debates, Madonna and last, but not least, Congressional baked beans. I’m sure that this is the same sort of stuff that they used to chat about around the Algonquin Round Table. 

In the past, I’ve written and drawn dumb stuff primarily for you, the fine readers of the Bureau County Republican. Starting this Monday, I get to prove my ignorance to the entire world. Allow me to explain.

Anybody who occasionally reads this column might recall that last spring I wrote about entering a comic strip contest. I’m abundantly familiar with the whole cartoonist submission/rejection pattern, and I entered the contest on a whim, wholeheartedly not expecting much to come from it. I submitted 10 strips to this website, and over a 10-week period, people voted on the different contestants’ work. I pleaded with anyone who would listen, to vote for me, so I wouldn’t look like a big old loser that got knocked out in the first or second round. In the beginning, I just wanted to make a respectable showing. As the weeks went by, people kept voting, and I got to keep hanging around.

To make a long story short ... yada, yada, yada … we won the contest. I don’t know how or why, but the great gods of cartooning were smiling upon me.

The prize for winning is that I get to have my comic strip, “Nothing is not Something,” appear on the Universal Uclick, GO Comics website. Uclick is the Internet division of Universal Syndicate — one of the industry leaders when it comes to the world of comic strip syndication. Trust me, I’ve got rejection slips from all of the biggies, and they’re one of them; so for someone who has always dreamed of being a cartoonist, this is a huge opportunity.

All of this happened back in April, and I’ve had to wait patiently until now for my goofy doodles to finally appear on GO Comics. I’ve laid low, spending my evenings at my basement drawing table, staring at the wall, occasionally giggling, wadding up sheets of paper and angrily throwing them on the floor. Instead of being ignorant on a semi-regular basis, I’m now expected to be a blathering fool day after day after day for the rest of my cartooning life. I believe that I have found my true calling. Just ask my wife.

So come Monday morning, if you’re around a computer and have nothing better going on, do a Google search for GO Comics or Uclick. Once you get there, with a little investigation, you should be able to find a link to “Nothing is not Something.” Once you find it, you can view the comic strip and even make comments on it. All I ask is that you bookmark the site, possibly subscribe to it, follow the comic strip on Facebook and Twitter, tell all of your friends about it and check back to the strip every single day of your natural born life. That’s all.

I make this promise to you, the fine readers of the Bureau County Republican, that no matter how rich and famous I get, no matter how many yachts, Porsches and platinum toilet bowl brushes I own, I’ll always put on my gold lamé jumpsuit one leg at a time. And no matter how big and huge my name will become, I’ll  always consider myself to be your little idiot.

That’s the same thing I tell my wife every day. I think she already knows.

You can contact Wallace at gwallace@bcrnews.com. You can follow him on his blog at http://gregwallaceink.blogspot.com.

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