Weather ... or not!
Who needs the calendar, the Farmer’s Almanac or volumes of intricately diagrammed cyclical moon charts to inform us that winter has come to an end? Not this guy, for I have noticed the red, red robins are bob-bob-bobbin’, the daffodils have erupted with their short-lived color, and the pre-dawn, weekend weed whacking has begun in earnest ... signaling the onset of spring and the coming rainy season in the heartland.
Yet seeing as how I am neither a farmer, a baseball manager, an outdoor wedding consultant, a mushroom hunter or a roofer, the weather doesn’t concern me in the least. To paraphrase my favorite meteorological related quote, “If it were not for the weather, 90 percent of people couldn’t start a conversation.” That’s great news for me, since it means I will never have to talk to nearly 6.2 whatever billion members of the Earth’s general population. Not that I’m antisocial — I’ve simply a finite amount of time on this planet, and I’d rather not spend it discussing everyday phenomena I have no control over. To illustrate my point, I present these dramatic reinterpretations of actual weather-related verbal interactions.
The classic, of course, is the “Is it hot/cold enough for you?” question. Look, if it’s 95 in the shade with 84 percent humidity, and I am exhibiting all the symptoms of heat stroke, then yes, Einstein, it is. Anyone who has undertaken the difficult task of getting to know me will soon realize that 75 degrees is where “hot enough for me” begins. That’s why I will never understand the across the board attraction to vacationing in Florida. (By the way, I fondly refer to Florida as “Georgia’s Appendix” ... it just dangles there, I’m not sure of its purpose, and I wouldn’t miss it if it were removed.) Florida’s climate is simply one month of Illinois’ humid corn season spread out over an entire year. If we had dolphins and Jimmy Buffet here in July, there would be no difference.
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