Dear Future Employer,
My name is Eric Engel, but I’ve been known to answer to Engelberries, Dingles, Easy E, Easy Money, Shaggy, Rico Suave and Clover Boy. That last one is a long story. I am applying to your company because I was doing some research on establishments that improve the standings of their employees’ bank accounts by giving money to them for accomplishment of tasks, and your business jumped off the screen as one that fits into that category.
Ever since I was a boy I have worked hard to accomplish my goals. For example, I studied vigorously in school because I enjoy the aspect of knowledge and mental growth, and my parents would show great pride and encouragement when I would bring home high scores on report cards, even shelling out some coins for each A that I earned. Other times that I’ve hustled to get a job done correctly was when I broke something around the house while goofing off and tried to hide any evidence that I was at fault before my parents found out. Both instances aforementioned offered great motivation concerning fulfillment of my task.
One of my greatest passions in life is writing. I have enjoyed streaming ink across paper in constructive or convoluted forms for close to two decades now, and I have been equally successful in enlightening and confusing those that read my words on a constant basis. I strive to offer literary ideas that summon laughter, tears, anger and silence, but most importantly introspection, as I believe that we all need a language to electrify with, rather than a lecture to suffer through.
I’ve held many professional positions in my life. The assignments have included cleaning toilets, spreading the good word over the airwaves, being a provisionary of sustenance for carnivorous connoisseurs and inventing games during the dry days of business to entice coworkers into comically creative interaction. Of course, my favorite has been flipping through the pages of memory in search of the heart strings that were most delicately plucked by the exterior atmosphere as to share them in lingual form for your viewing pleasure.
I’ve held many personal positions in life as well. A few of the highlights include backyard touchdown dancer, fresh air inspector, sweet talker, son, brother and believer. I laugh at poor jokes, especially if I said them, and I excite so easily that I interrupt too often. I sense my loved ones as if connections of flesh on my body, grateful for every inch and aware of every section that is scraped, let alone severed.
I have lied to those closest to me, I have stolen both product and perspective, and I have cheated on more than just a test. I can sometimes be an authentic thorn in your side, focused on including everyone around me in my frustrations, while forcing their ears to the voicing of my complaints. I have a tendency to play my cards close to chest, often times shutting out those who are trying to help me the most. I have done things that I am not proud of and do not mention very often.
Who I am, though, and what I can offer to your company, cannot be deciphered within this resume, nor an hour-long job interview. I think beyond my capable means, and search for friends within groups of strangers. I consider each smile my eyes see the greatest gift anyone could give me, and I work as if construction of individual sectors are rivers lending to the ocean of collective completion. You may not yet understand me as one of the best individuals out there that you could add to your team, but I believe myself to be just that, as the father of my flesh and the father of my heart have both taught me to work simply because this world needs to be worked on.
In conclusion, I am willing to adjust to most any environment, but I desire to be surrounded with education, enthusiasm and ideas enveloped in everlasting progression. If your business is serious about interaction that vastly benefits both parties, please contact me ASAP, or WYGATI (whenever you get around to it), so long as you are looking for a character that will be just that, and one who is willing to work overtime only if he is rewarded with more than just a paycheck, or if his boss tells him to come in.
Thank you for considering me for the position of “Overall Improver of Life.” I shall anticipate your response with humbled exuberance.
On the Flip,
Eric M. Engel
Eric Engel, formerly of Tiskilwa but now of Peoria, can be reached by e-mail at email@example.com.