Hi, I’m Chuck Mason, and I’m a moron. This is in no way an admission on my part. I have done no genealogical research to discover a lineage of moron-like behavior hidden deep in my family roots. I’ve not subjected myself to complex psychological experiments, probing medical studies or extensive (and likely not covered under my existing medical plan) DNA sequencing. The only proof I have is shared below. I, as an assumed moron, do not ask for your sympathy or support, only your understanding and acceptance.
As I took a momentary break (from composing my latest sarcasm laced ode to quirkiness) to top off my inkwell and sharpen my quill, I adjusted my monocle, glanced over at the ancient Mayan perpetual calendar tacked above and to the right of the desk, and realized it’s been nearly two years since the positive responses I received from an anger-fueled tirade to the editor forced my hand into accepting a freelance position as a moron (I mean columnist) with this fine publication.
Yep, these wacky observations and sometimes inept attempts at humor have graced the BCR pages for nearly 3.8 percent of my life now. My original intent was to bring a satirical edge to the proceedings; make a case for the ridiculousness of the overwrought, crisis filled, end-of-the-world tone of most major news broadcasts; perhaps cause a few people to smile along the way; and remain mostly unrecognized when in public. So far, so good (or so I thought).
The cards and letters have continued to pour in, giving me the positive reinforcement to continue doing this until I’m told otherwise. But there’s always THAT ONE GUY (or several) who doesn’t (or don’t) get it. Some angry character who wouldn’t be happy if it weren’t for being so sad. After 20-some, well received published columns, Mr. Anonymous Comments decided it was time to chirp in with this quote: “The paper must be hard up to continue to let this moron write for it.”
Now that’s a trait I can admire in anyone: Be up front, speak your mind, and don’t mince your words. But in one fell swoop, you took into question my character; the ability of my English teachers, my ancestors, the editorial policies and publishing ethics of this newspaper; and the influence of my role models.
I chuckled at first, thinking it was one of my “friends” in a lackluster and ineffective attempt at getting under my skin. As I reread it though, and considered the possibility of that statement representing someone’s true feelings, I became curious and momentarily bothered. Was he correct? Could it be true? Was there substantial, unequivocal evidence to suggest that perhaps I was a moron?
I spent most of that following weekend in deep introspective thought: Cataloging and reexamining my life’s works, revisiting those powerful moments that sets one’s direction, re-evaluating all the life choices I have made. Certain sequences of events, taken individually, meant nothing ... but these random experiences, when compiled and studied with a critical eye, would seem to indicate, despite my best efforts to deny the truth, that perhaps I am a moron ... an insensitive twit, an ignoramus, an incomparable nimrod, a painfully unaware halfwit, a ninny, a dolt, a blockhead or babbling imbecile.
I have glanced into my soul’s mirror of discovery, and through coming to terms with my own moronism, will become a better person. The truth has set me free. Thanks, Mr. Anonymous Comment Guy for the not so gentle nudge in pushing me over the cliff of self discovery. You’re a real pal ...
Chuck Mason, a self-described opinionated wiseguy, resides in Princeton. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.