Teens and dating

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PRINCETON — She felt scared and torn apart, but didn't know how to get out of the relationship.

  With those words, Mollie Schmelzer, teen advocate with Freedom House in Princeton, described the teen girl who came to her for help to get out of an abusive dating relationship. The abuse was primarily emotional, but it was still abuse. Through almost a year of counseling, Schmelzer watched that teen girl become a young woman of confidence and courage and wiser choices.

Schmelzer also talked about the stereotypes that go with abusive teen dating relationships, the warning signs, and options for help. With Feb. 2-6 designated as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week, Schmelzer said she wants to once again draw attention to the problem that's out there.

Statistics show that one out of three teenagers will be in some type of abusive dating relationship before graduating from high school, Schmelzer said. The majority of that abuse is emotional or verbal, though there is certainly sexual and physical abuse in some dating situations, she said. One out of 10 teen girls will experience physical abuse.

Emotional/verbal abuse may include yelling, name calling and blaming the date for things that happen. Sexual abuse includes force or persuasion of unwanted sexual behavior. Physical abuse includes a range of actions like pushing, hitting or kicking.

Schmelzer said isolation is one of the biggest warning signs that some type of abuse is taking place. The abusive person will try to isolate his date from her family or other friends. The abusive person may actually stalk their date, she said.

An unhealthy possessiveness could be shown when a person wants to read all his date's text messages, requires passwords or calls repeatedly to see where his date is and what she's doing. 

Determining how much is too much can sometimes be difficult, Schmelzer said. That fine line between simple interest and possessiveness may vary from person to person. Behavior becomes abusive when it hurts or hinders the other person, she said.

Abuse is not about anger, it's about being in control.

Though statistics show 95 percent of  the victims in teen dating relationships are girls, boys can also be victims, Schmelzer said, adding that boys are not so often abused physically but rather emotionally or verbally.

In describing the person who may be an abuser, Schmelzer said there is no one typical abuser. Teen dating violence can occur in all economic classes, in all races, in the "good kids" as well as the"bad kids." Abusive dating relationships happen in the cities. Abusive dating relationships have happened and are happening, in Bureau County, she said.

Parents are key to teaching their kids how to date. From preschoolers on up, parents should teach their children about self-respect, acceptable behavior from others and toward others, and about basic human rights. Parents also need to model healthy interpersonal relationships for their children, she said.

For parents who suspect their child is in an abusive dating relationship, they need to be available and ready to talk to their teen. Simply grounding a teen from dating a certain person will not solve the problem long-term because the teen will usually get back into a similar negative dating situation, Schmelzer said.

However, there is definitely help for abused teens, or their parents and friends. Freedom House has a 24-hour hotline, at (800) 474-6031, with trained staff handling the calls. Calls can be made anonymously. Teens may also meet up to five times with Freedom House staff before parents must be notified. All conversations are kept confidential.

Also, Schmelzer is available to present prevention programs to area schools and other groups. Materials are available to families and teens through Freedom House. Some of that material deals with safety plans which teens can devise as well as  learning what types of situations to avoid.

The bottom line is there is help for teens to escape from abusive dating relationships and to develop healthier self-images which will help them  prevent further abusive situations, Schmelzer said.

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