Abuse survivor tells her journey

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The month of April has been designated as National Sexual Abuse Awareness Month.

For one Bureau County woman, that awareness needs to be shared in order to protect the children of Bureau County from strangers, acquaintances and, as in her case, from family members.

As she tells her story, that woman, “Sue,” has asked to remain anonymous to protect her family.

For Sue, the sexual abuse in her family began with verbal and emotional abuse and then escalated.

Sue had been married about a month when her husband became physically and verbally abusive. He would throw things at her, grab her, shove her, punch her.

“I was always walking on eggshells,” Sue said. “I was always trying not to cause pressure on him, and he was very good at being manipulative and playing mind games.”

Though the marriage was a struggle, in time, children were born to the couple.

Before long, her husband expanded his scope of anger toward not just her, but to their children. The sexual abuse against their daughter started when she was still a preschooler and continued until Sue removed her children from the home.

On the outside, her husband was well-respected in the community and active in his church. He worked full time. But within the marriage, she lived in constant scrutiny and fear for the lives of her children and herself.

After several years of abuse, Sue and her children fled their home and went to the Freedom House domestic shelter in Princeton for help. It was through Freedom House that Sue learned to recognize the signs of sexual abuse, signs which the Freedom House staff immediately saw in Sue’s daughter.

Her daughter had a sexual knowledge that she shouldn’t have known at that age. She would lift her skirt; she would touch her breasts. She became withdrawn. She would tuck her head into her mom’s shoulder and not want to look at others. She didn’t want to be put down.

As she looked back on the past few years, Sue realized the signs of sexual abuse were present in her daughter, but Sue hadn’t known what they represented.

Another child in the home experienced verbal and mental abuse, resulting in developmental delays, especially in speech, Sue said. Abused children are often told they aren’t to talk about what has happened to them. As in Sue’s case, the children are threatened by the abuser and told they or their mother will die if they tell anyone. Sue also fears this same child also experienced sexual abuse at the hands of her ex-husband because the signs are there.

The court system has not done its job in protecting the rights of her and her children, Sue said. The claims of sexual abuse were not thoroughly investigated by authorities. While protecting her older daughter, the younger child still has to see the father. No visitation should be allowed, Sue said.

Even though Sue has an order of protection against her ex-husband, she and her children still have to look over their shoulders every day, she said. Her ex-husband has shown no signs of remorse and has repeatedly broken his court orders, according to Sue.

Telling others her story is her way to help other women and children who may be in abusive situations. As in her case, the abuser may be well-liked by friends and neighbors, but it’s a different, frightening story at home.

Sue encouraged abused women to get help. Develop a safety plan for leaving and taking their children out of the abusive situation. Go someplace safe such as a shelter for domestic violence and sexual assault where the woman and her children can receive guidance and counseling.

There is hope, though the struggles are great, Sue said.

She and her family are still in counseling. Her children struggle in school and with relationships. At this point, it’s not getting any easier, but she won’t give up on herself or her children.

“We have to keep our children safe,” Sue said. “My little girl went from this beautiful, smiling little girl to a depressed and scared little girl who hates herself and doesn’t like or trust others. My children have become high maintenance children because of the abuse. We are a long way from getting through this.”

In time, maybe the scars of her life, of her children’s lives, will fade, or at least become more manageable, Sue said. But until then, and even beyond that time, she will continue to be her children’s best advocate, and she will continue to tell her story in order to help others.

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